Teaching Teens Sexual Etiquette: The Dos and Don’ts

Many parents in my practice struggle with knowing how to talk about sex with their kids. I am often asked when to have the talk, how to broach the subject, and how detailed to be with explanations. Once you believe your child is ready for ‘The Talk’, you must be willing to discuss more than just ‘the birds and the bees’.

It is important for parents to take a sex-positive parenting approach when discussing sexuality with their kids. How you speak to your child about sex will directly impact their willingness to ask questions and come to you when they need answers. I encourage parents to begin the conversation about sexuality early and to talk about it often. Use explanations that are fact based and directly answer the questions your child asks. Here are a few Dos and Don’ts to consider before discussing sexual etiquette with your kids.

The Dos:

• Do talk about consent often. From the point at which your child understands affection, make sure they understand it is their choice who they allow to touch their bodies and that they must ask before touching others. Make sure your child understands they can refuse touch from others, even parents and other family members. Allowing your child to express when and how they want to be touched is healthy and helps them to develop communication skills that can be applied with partners in the future. Roleplay explicit consent with your child. Explain how “Can I kiss you?” and “May I touch you there?” are the safest approach to intimate interactions with peers. Remind your child that it is never too late to say ‘no’ to any type of touch. Suggest that a good relationship will involve communication between the partners about what feels good and if such conversation is avoided or shut down, the relationship should probably not become more intimate.
• Do discuss condom use and contraception options. Condom use and contraceptive options are essential topics to cover with all children, regardless of their sex and gender. Your child may try to assure you they are not interested or do not plan to need this information any time soon, but it is best to talk about condoms and contraceptives before your child is in the position to use them. Focus your discussion on how to use the products and why they are important; minimizing the risks of STIs and pregnancy.
• Do encourage self exploration. Masturbation can teach kids what types of touch are comfortable for them and what is pleasurable. It is important to not shame children for self exploration, but rather make sure they have a private and safe place to explore their bodies. Talk about body parts with proper names if your children have questions; such as vulva and scrotum. Creating a positive sexual relationship with themselves is an important building block to a sex positive life and give them the understanding of what is pleasurable and what is not.
• Do teach your kids that sex should be pleasurable. In my practice, I have often heard of kids feeling peer pressured into situations where sex is in no way pleasurable. Remind your child to consider what is pleasurable for their partner as well.
• Do teach your child that respect is an important aspect of every sexual experience. No one wants to be ghosted or wants to have their intimate photos shared. Discuss why ghosting and photo sharing are disrespectful and why they should be avoided. Teach your children to consider their partner’s feelings, even if they are not in this relationship for the long haul, and to treat their partner with the respect they would like to receive.

The Don’ts:

• Don’t avoid talking about porn. The internet has made pornography incredibly accessible to kids. By the age of 11 most children have seen some type of pornographic imagery. It is important to explain to your children that sex is very rarely like what they see portrayed in porn. The bodies are different, what is pleasurable for both participants is different, and consent is absolutely imperative.
• Don’t dismiss your children’s feelings of love. It is important to understand the emotional and neurochemical effects of sex. When you have sex with the same person repeatedly, you become neurochemically bonded to them through oxytocin. This bonding process is important to humans as a species, because it makes reproduction more successful. Being sexually active can be as intoxicating as a drug. The big feelings your child may be experiencing, once they become sexually active, should be validated.
• Don’t fall victim to ostrich syndrome. Burying your head in the sand does not mean your child’s sexual activity will not happen and being part of a discussion about sex does not mean you are pushing them into doing it. Rather, you are helping them to understand the risks and benefits of becoming sexually active. Having conversations about sex is a great opportunity to be a part of your child’s life and their decisions.